Advice for the imminent global collapse :
[especially Europe and USA ]

1*Line up the sights…(crosshairs, open sights, laser dot, whatever
2*Relax and breathe evenly and steadily
3*Squeeze trigger in a steady smooth pull, dont jerk
4*Repeat steps 1, 2 and 3 until no more loud noises come from gun
5*Remember to reload immediately, even if the zombies all look dead

Yes, it's time to play "Spot the German"....

A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said : 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all
drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Liverpool supporter, and anything French!'

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Just finished wall papering my daughters room with Hannah Montana wallpaper.

The paper was expensive, but at least I didn't have to spend anything on paste.

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Whats the biggest cause of paedophilia in the U.k?

.....sexy kids

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What do you get if you cover a 6 year old kid in peanut butter?

An erection.

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A rich man is speaking to a poor man about what he is getting his wife for Christmas. "I'm getting her a diamond bracelet and a BMW, so even if she doesn't like the bracelet, at least she can drive the car back to the shop to change it" says the rich man.

The poor man responds: "I'm buying my wife a mop and a dildo. If she doesn't like the mop she can go and fuck herself".

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I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

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Five English blokes & an Irishman in an identity parade during a rape case. The victim is led in.

Paddy pipes up, "that's horr, the ungrateful fat cow!"

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Did you hear about Michael Jackson holding that baby over the balcony. Normally he just tosses them off......

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Ah so ! Japanese time :

BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN
The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed
105,000 people...

Did you hear that dishwasher manufacturers have stopped sending any
dishwashers to Asia? They didn't see the point because, apparently,
Asians have started washing up on local beaches.


Don't send any money in for the Tokyo Tsunami Appeal, they are minted.
I have just seen a bloke on telly getting interviewed outside his
house and he has two massive fucking boats on his drive.


Where does the Japanese Prime Minister Live?
10 Drowning Street.

My local Japanese restaurant has certainly got a sense of humour.
They are now serving Sushi on Tectonic plates.

My Japanese room mate is feeling homesick so this morning I woke him
up by violently shaking his bed then throwing a glass of water over
him. Then I farted in his face.


The Australian Gold Coast Surf Competition has just been won in
controversial circumstances by a little Japanese man on a wardrobe.


Ok,anyone who's NOT offended, speak up and you get to spend Xmas with Monk !

I find the lack of offense offensive.

I just told my missus that I might struggle to pick her mother up tomorrow.
"Why?" she asked, "Is there something wrong with the car?"
"The car's fine," I replied, "But the Sat Nav's not recognising Middle Earth as a valid destination."

It just occurred to me that we're not offending anyone, 'cos they're all too fucking stupid to understand the jokes !

Q. How do you know when your sister's on her period?
A. You can taste blood on yer old man's knob.


Two pedophiles sunbathing on the beach. One says to the other "Can you get out of my son".


Q. How is getting your girlfriend pregnant like locking your keys out of your car?
A. The problem is easily solved with a coathanger.


"It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.....
Would've been embarrassing if I'd sent it to someone else !

I asked my mate "when is is legal to have sex with girls?"
He said "It's legal once they leave school".
Apparently 3.30pm isn't what he meant.

What would you think is you saw a naked woman on her hands and knees with cum dribbling from both corners of her mouth?

The floor is level.

This eight-year-old girl goes into Santa's grotto. She sits on his lap and Father Christmas says "Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas, my dear?" The little girl says, "Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!" Santa says "Will a little white beard be okay?"

I just got a job directing a local play. I thought it was a bit dull so I thought I would liven it up a bit by including a nude lesbian shower scene. The School Board people weren't impressed - said it ruined the Nativity.

I LOVE Christmas lights, they remind me of immigrants. They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

hmmm..guess who snorted crack for Xmas