I took my wife to the "Hurt Locker" last night.

She won't be forgetting the washing up again any time soon.

I was in a nightclub and I met a beautiful woman.

I bought her drinks all night & she didn't even buy me one back.

At the end of the night I thought, tight cunt!

That's whilst I was raping her.

I met a woman last night.

She said "Do you want to come back to my house & share a glass of champagne?"

I declined the offer, I didn't want to drug myself as well.

My girlfriend said earlier that having an abortion was one of the hardest things she has ever had to do. Clearly she hasn't tried fast forwarding porn whilst beating one off.

I received an accidental text yesterday, it said:

Hi, be home soon, love ya, Dave xxx

Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I text the bloke back:

Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a cunt & I have been shagging your brother.

I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:

You ok mum?

I got a lift in to work from a Pakistani colleague today, and had to listen to 'Bhangra FM' for the whole journey.

I didn't want to appear racially insensitive and offend his culture by reaching over and changing the radio station.

Plus, I didn't want to accidently detonate the van.

Don't you hate it when you wake up from a drunken night out with 'I love cock' written on your fore-head?

Especially when you've been drinking at home.

Alone.

My wife and I were called in to see the headmaster at our daughter's school today because she's been making racist jibes at the black children.

We were absolutely horrified, we've always told her not to speak to them.

I was driving along earlier when some cunt smashed into the back of me at 60mph.

I got out of the car and saw that my rear end was smashed to pieces. The smug cunt got out of his 4X4 and shouted, "What the fuck did you brake for?"

So I fell to my knees, pointed at the boot and screamed, "My girlfriend was in the boot, you killed her!"

He look shocked and started trembling. I felt like I'd really wiped the smile off his face, but then he started screaming and crying hysterically. I started to feel a bit bad, so I went to comfort him. I opened the boot and said, "Look mate, I was only joking. You can clearly see, she's been dead weeks, you didn't kill her."

Earn money by displaying a "How's My Driving?" sign on your car, along with an 0906 number (£1.50 per minute which you can acquire through BT).

Then simply drive around town like a complete cunt.

My wife has just given birth for the first time.

I don't know who I feel more sorry for, my son for being ginger or my wife for having to bring him up on her own.

LMAO @ The Monk

I'm going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where my wife takes her ring off, walks backwards down the isle, gets in the car and fucks off.

Beer is kind of like Indian food...you never actually buy it! You just "rent" it for a while...