A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest "I'm pregnant". He asked "How did this happen, my child?" She said "I think it must be the second coming". The priest, shocked by this reply asked "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied "Because I swallowed the first one..."

An Aboriginal woman was admitted into the hospital for a pregnancy termination. Two weeks later she received a cheque for $5,000. She phoned the hospital to ask who it was from. The hospital said "Crime Stoppers".

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q. What's the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing!

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to
fuck off!

Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
A: Dessert.


Q: How do you find a fat woman's pussy?
A: Flip through the folds until you smell sh!t, then go back one.

Q. What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity

Q: What do you get whan you cross an elephant with a kitten?
A: A dead kitten with a 18 inch asshole


Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
A: You can't fcuk a rock.


Q: What's the best thing to come out of Auschwitz?
A: An Empty Bus.


Q: What's the difference between a fridge and a queer?
A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!


Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a queer?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat!


Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
A: Nail it's other hand to the floor

Q. What is better than winning a medal at the Paraplegic-olympics?
A. Having two legs.


Q: What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
A: You can't eat sand.

Q: What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A: A baby tied to the back of a truck.


Q: When a baby is being born, why do they boil water?
A: So that if its born dead they can make soup.


Q: How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
A: It depends on how hard you squeeze them.


Q: What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
A: Blood brothers.


Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a wall?
A: Ripping it off again


Q: Why do they call it Pre-Menstrual Tension?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What's green and sits in a wheelchair?
A: A mouldy spastic.

Q: What's charred and stands between two sticks?
A: A burnt cripple.

I stopped an 8 year old girl from being raped last night.
I went to the pub instead

Did you hear the one about the Jewish Kamakazi Piolot? He crashed his plane into his brothers scrap yard.

Doctor: I'm afraid you have AIDS, sir
Patient: Is there anything I can do about it?
Doctor: Try marmite sandwiches and prunes for breakfast, double prunes, cabbage and baked beans for lunch, and the hottest curry you can manage for supper, washed down with at least five pints of lager.
Patient: Will that cure AIDS?
Doctor: No, but it will teach you what your arrsehole is really meant for...

I walked into the porn shop this morning I said "Three of your filthiest porn mags please, mate". He said "Have you got anything in mind?" I said "Yes, I'm going to have a wank".

After weeks of asking, last night the wife agreed to some anal action !! Fuck knows what she used, but I can hardly walk this morning !

I told my girlfriend today that the male's G-spot is in the anus. Well, her anus anyway.

I was out walking in the woods when I found a dead woman's body. I phoned the police who came straight out. They asked me how I found the woman's body. I said "Well her tits were okay but the rigor mortis made her arse a bit tight for my liking".

THE COSTA CONCORDIA

-I was watching the news about the stricken cruise ship when the Sky News presenter said "She's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court". I just happened to glance over at the wife on the sofa and that's when the fight started.

-The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds me of a comment made by Churchill. After his retirement he was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship. "There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill. "First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first".

-The Italian army has been called in to help with the people from the grounded cruise ship but they have now swapped sides and declared war on the survivors.

-Wife: "Can I drive?" Husband: "No, I'm fine". Wife: "Oh please let me, I really want to". Husband: "NO!" Wife: "Tell you what, if you let me drive just for a bit, when we get home I'll give you a blowjob". Husband: "Really??" Wife: "Promise!" Husband: "Oh, go on then". "...and that, your Honour, is the final entry from the black box on the cruise ship Costa Concordia"

-What's the difference between and Italian Cruise Liner and a Goat? The crew will go down on a goat.

-When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going, he replied "off course".

-Costa Concordia - the only cruise liner where the sauna is cold but the pool is at 90 degrees.

-The captain of the Costa Concordia says he is not guilty of manslaughter and has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

-The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

-News reports say the stricken Costa Concordia first listed to the left, then to the right. Bloody Italians... even their ships don't know which side to be on.

-Italian Police are still interviewing the Chinese Honeymoon couple found on the Costa Concordia as to the whereabouts of the rescue dog that first found them.

-Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two Scotsmen at the bar. They've told the divers to piss off, as all drinks are included in the fare.

-Costa Concordia - where you are guaranteed to get your drink on the rocks.

-Now I know it's nearly the 100th anniversary of Titanic and all that, but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

-Attention passengers, this is your captain. We of Carnival Cruise Lines Costa Concordia welcome you to Italy. If you look out the port side now you'll see the beautiful Tuscan sky, and to our starboard, you'll see the old Italian navy.

-So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock... more than can be said for his ship.

-Man phones the model shop and asks have you got a model of the Costa Concordia. "Yes sir, we have one left". That's very good. can you put it on one side for me please?"

My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implant ruptured and leaked industrial strength silicone. I of course looked on the positive side and with a quick piercing of the nipple have managed to re-seal the bath, shower tray and hand basin

My mate was diagnosed a mute today.... I thought fuck me, he kept that quiet..

An old Austrian proverb...
Woman are like a good wine. Best left in the cellar to mature

Bloke goes into a bar with a tiger, says to the barman
"Do you serve Pakis?"
Barman says "Of course we do sir".
"Excellent, pint for me and a Paki for the tiger".

Whats the correct way to eat a frog?
Put its legs behind its ears.

What did one paedophile say to another?
I'll swap you two fives for a ten.

What the smelliest thing on Earth?
An anchovies cunt.

2 Yorkshire paedophiles sat on a park bench as a 12 year old girl walks by. One turns to the other and goes.
"Ey by gum, a bets she were a looker in her day"

Man walks down a road and spots a pretty girl and says-
"Whats you name little girl?"
The little girl answers-
"My name is Rose becuse when I was being born the doctor dropped a rose on mummys tummy"
The man smiles walks down the road and spots another pretty girl
"Whats you name little girl?"
The little girl answers-
"My name is Violet becuse when I was being born the doctor dropped a violet on mummys tummy"
The man smiles walks down the road and spots a girl in a wheelchair-
"Whats you name little girl?"
The little girl answers-
"Lump hammer"

I was at an ATM machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Fuck off, you won't bring it back.'

What is 3 foot high,6 foot wide, red and can't get around corridors?
A toddler with a javelin through its head!

Not looking forward to the London Olympics.
If I want to see a load of blacks running after someone shoots a gun, I've got last years riots on DVD.

I love how my wife and I have an open relationship.
We can sleep with whomever we like with no consequences.
Now I just need to tell her.

My wife says I never take her out anywhere expensive!
So I took her to the Petrol Station.

I'd been in hospital for a few days having tests when I said to the nurse:
"How much longer have I got to be in here? I'm really getting bored now."
"You can always discharge yourself," she replied.
"Okay, shut the curtains and show us your tits."

My girlfriend collapsed earlier and wasn't breathing, but then I remembered that advert with Vinnie Jones in it - "You only kiss your missus on the lips."
She didn't recover, but one thing led to another and I got one last fuck in while she was still warm.

I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss. I asked, "What are those marks all down your cock?"
He said, "They're from my wife's teeth chattering."

Just been on bigbustycoons.com
Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

Virgin Broadband
The two main ingredients needed for a World Of Warcraft profile.

"Holmes, how did you get a citrus fruit lodged in between your butt cheeks?"
"Lemon entry my dear Watson, Lemon entry"

Pulled over by pigs last night.
"Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?"
"I'm too drunk, you get in."

My girlfriend reckons that a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.
She may be right, but I'd prefer it if she didn't have one.

An American, an Israeli, and a Palestinian are marooned on a desert island.

The American goes to one side of the island and builds a church.

The Israeli goes to the other side of the island and builds a synagogue.

The Palestinian goes, “BOOM!”


Whats the diference between a limp dick and a paki?
One wont go in and the other one wont get out!!!!!!

Whats the diference between a cricket ball and a muslim womans pussy?

If you tried really hard you could eat the cricket ball

Why dont muslim women smoke weed?
There afraid of getting stoned

In france they have made it illegal to wear burqas in public. Police have begun to make arrests. So far they have charged 4 women and 26 letterboxes!!!!!!!!!!!

What do Muslim men do for foreplay?
Tickle the goats chin

....from behind ?